Life in the lonely hearts lane

Life in the lonely hearts lane

Heather Redmond shows how to read the clues when trying to meet people through dating agencies and  ‘soulmates’ columns

They’re not called lonely hearts anymore, those column inches of self-described ‘charming bastards’, ‘pre-raphaelite goddesses’ or ‘funky dudes’. They’re now soulmates, perfect partners or Saturday rendezvous.  New cool titles for the new cool generation searching for mates in newspapers, on the internet and through dating agencies - all of them offering a cornucopia of anticipation, older generations included. 

In the seventies, my lonely-hearts career began with the New Statesman, having been advised that they carried a nice class of customer. It moved on to Time Out and the Guardian with a passing glance at the Telegraph and Times. 

Way back then, matters were conducted initially by letter, with some punters keen for a photo before going into ‘phone call mode. With a little practice, sifting out the unsuitable became quite easy as each letter was stacked with clues.

Even before I actually read the contents, I was assessing the writing paper, the handwriting, the address, and the name.  I found it boring to read page after page of physical attributes, likes and dislikes. They don’t say much about personality.  Even photos can be misleading.  

Of course, for a price you will get all the information through a dating agency, where they know their clients and do much of the sifting out of unsuitables and incompatibles.  But even so, there’s no guarantee that the  tall, slim, blue eyed person who is kind and caring, with a degree in history and loves dogs might not turn out the biggest bore or borderline psychopath or simply reminds you of someone you have always disliked.

How to read the clues

Getting to know someone is always a mix of reading the clues and following your instinct. It’s no different in the lonely-hearts lane, and the most useful tool is instinct. Learn to trust it and it won’t let you down. 

The first real communication is by voice, usually on the ‘phone. Even when you go through an agency or the internet, sooner or later, you are likely to make the arrangements for meeting by telephone.  If you are following up a newspaper ad, the initial voicemail messages, both yours and the advertiser’s, give away a great deal.

For those who don’t know, the voicemail message consists of you ringing the number given in the advertisement.  You get a  recorded message from the person advertising, and you can leave a message if you want.  Then you  wait for a response, and this time it will be live. 

When you get together on the ‘phone, it’s awkward at first, but don’t be put off.  Have your greeting in mind, so you know what you are going to say. 'Hello I'm Ivy and I liked the sound of your voice......'  And then listen carefully.  We are so hooked into visual impact that we forget to listen to the sounds.  Here’s how to listen:

·        Shut your eyes and start to process the person through your ears.

·        Listen to the quality of the voice. Is it warm and friendly or dry and grating?

·        What do the pauses, the inflections, the hesitations tell you and how awkward are the silences?

·        ‘S.O.H.’ (sense of humour for the uninitiated) can be misleading. Punters advertise their own great S.O.H. or require it their perfect potential partner. So what is the evidence for this and how does it fit with your own sense of humour? Even allowing for nervousness it will shine through.

·        Does this conversation spring into life or moulder away in alternating monologues? 'I'm an outdoor sort of person, how about you?' 'Not really but I'm a bit of a Woody Allen fan' may be more revealing than a list of likes.

·        Pay attention to their wish list: 'kind, caring, loyal and warm' might indicate a previous unfortunate experience with a cold hearted partner who went off with the boss.

·        Despite all this, make allowances for telephone nerves.  You may have them too.

·        Give some thought to beginning and ending the call. How will you see off a toe-curling punter without being offensive or vague enough to give him or her hope? Just be firm and friendly. Alternatively be upfront about it’  I really don't think you're my type'.

·        How will you cope with rejection, sight unseen? You know perfectly well that ‘I’ll call you some time’ is a no-no, and you have to live with it, hoping for better luck next time.

·        But if you want to persist, make sure you have their number and just ring them, but but not for a week or so.

 That first date

·        Make it a drink or coffee, always in a public place, and don’t forget to leave a note or tell someone where you are going.

·        You creep behind a tree to observe your date: if it’s someone you simply couldn’t be seen dead with, do not be tempted to beat a discreet retreat.

·        Better to invent a polite excuse - a sudden headache will do - and yes, it wouldn’t hurt to have a quick drink before you make your escape.

·        Ending meetings: a few stock phrases will smooth the way.  ‘It’s been nice meeting you, but I don’t think it’s really going anywhere for me’ or ‘….shall we meet again’ or ‘…..shall we ring each other’.

·        Hoping for a just-good-friends relationship? People are often meeting to check out a partner with something more intimate in mind. So if friendship is on the agenda it needs to be stated at the start. 

Make it fun

Be prepared to have some enjoyable evenings that don’t go anywhere, some sticky ones and a couple of real relationships through dating columns and agencies. That, at any rate, is my experience. I do know people who’ve found the love of their life up the lonely-hearts lane, both in newspapers and through agencies. So don’t despair, don’t give up, and remember that introduction agencies and newspaper columns are just a way of meeting people.  Yes you can have fun along the way.

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